Mar-a-Lago, FL – In what he called “the most tremendous, absolutely incredible spiritual announcement in history,” former President Donald J. Trump declared his intention to found his own religion, the “Holy MAGA Church of the Divine Deal.” Trump will serve as the religion’s spiritual leader, adopting the title “His Holiness, the Donald.”
“This is big, folks. Bigger than Christianity, bigger than anything you’ve ever seen,” Trump said during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by golden statues of himself giving the thumbs-up. “People have been telling me for years that I’m practically a god already, so why not make it official?”
The Path to Heaven: VIP Packages Available
Trump’s new religion will offer salvation in exchange for what he called “holy investments.” The cornerstone of his faith is the “Trump Pardon of Eternal Forgiveness,” a gold-embossed certificate that removes all sins and guarantees admission to heaven.
“This pardon is tremendous. It works better than baptism, better than confession. You can do anything—tax evasion, insider trading, whatever—and you’re still in,” Trump promised. “But Democrats, don’t even bother. God is a Republican, folks. I asked Him personally. Very pro-business guy.”
The price for a pardon starts at $100,000, with a VIP “Trump Tower Suite in Heaven” package available for $1 million. According to His Holiness, the money will fund “spiritual projects,” which include a celestial golf course and a diamond-encrusted golden staircase for Trump’s eventual ascent to heaven.
Democrats “Not Welcome”
When asked if Democrats could join, Trump was unequivocal. “No. They’re socialists. Heaven isn’t a welfare state, okay? You can’t just walk in. You have to work hard, make deals, and maybe donate to my PAC—uh, I mean my church.”
The Ten Commandments (Revised by Trump)
Trump also revealed the church’s Ten Commandments, which include:
1. Thou shalt always put Trump first.
2. Thou shalt not believe fake news (a.k.a. CNN).
3. Thou shalt make the best deals, like Trump.
4. Thou shalt not criticize Trump’s golf swing.
5. Thou shalt honor Ivanka and Melania.
Trump concluded by teasing a line of religious merchandise, including MAGA rosaries, holy water bottled from Mar-a-Lago sprinklers, and an exclusive Bible with every reference to humility replaced with the word “greatness.”
As for the church’s long-term plans, Trump hinted at a potential heavenly wall to keep “undesirable souls” out. “It’s going to be a beautiful wall, the best wall. And Mexico’s still paying for it, believe me,” he said, before departing in a golden golf cart.
Reactions from Critics
Critics were quick to respond, with Democrats calling it “the most absurd thing Trump’s ever done,” though some admitted they didn’t see how this was much different from his presidency. Meanwhile, prominent evangelical leaders expressed concern, but others, like Jerry Falwell Jr., have already applied to be “Apostles of MAGA.”
“Trumpism was already a religion for many of his supporters,” said political analyst Mary Kohn. “This just formalizes it—plus, it’s tax-free.”
- Only time will tell if His Holiness the Donald’s divine ambitions will bear fruit, but one thing is clear: kim the Holy MAGA Church of the Divine Deal is here to stay—at least until the next election.
