{"id":16238,"date":"2025-01-26T11:10:54","date_gmt":"2025-01-26T11:10:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/squeelio.com\/?p=16238"},"modified":"2025-01-26T11:17:13","modified_gmt":"2025-01-26T11:17:13","slug":"trump-announces-plans-to-found-his-own-religion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/novelesque.ai\/index.php\/2025\/01\/26\/trump-announces-plans-to-found-his-own-religion\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump Announces Plans to Found His Own Religion"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mar-a-Lago, FL<\/span> \u2013 In what he called \u201cthe most tremendous, absolutely incredible spiritual announcement in history,\u201d former President Donald J. Trump declared his intention to found his own religion, the \u201cHoly MAGA Church of the Divine Deal.\u201d Trump will serve as the religion\u2019s spiritual leader, adopting the title <\/span>\u201cHis Holiness, the Donald.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is big, folks. Bigger than Christianity, bigger than anything you\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d Trump said during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by golden statues of himself giving the thumbs-up. \u201cPeople have been telling me for years that I\u2019m practically a god already, so why not make it official?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The Path to Heaven: VIP Packages Available<\/span><\/p>\n

Trump\u2019s new religion will offer salvation in exchange for what he called \u201choly investments.\u201d The cornerstone of his faith is the <\/span>\u201cTrump Pardon of Eternal Forgiveness,\u201d<\/span> a gold-embossed certificate that removes all sins and guarantees admission to heaven.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis pardon is tremendous. It works better than baptism, better than confession. You can do anything\u2014tax evasion, insider trading, whatever\u2014and you\u2019re still in,\u201d Trump promised. \u201cBut Democrats, don\u2019t even bother. God is a Republican, folks. I asked Him personally. Very pro-business guy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The price for a pardon starts at $100,000, with a VIP \u201cTrump Tower Suite in Heaven\u201d package available for $1 million. According to His Holiness, the money will fund \u201cspiritual projects,\u201d which include a celestial golf course and a diamond-encrusted golden staircase for Trump\u2019s eventual ascent to heaven.<\/span><\/p>\n

Democrats \u201cNot Welcome\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When asked if Democrats could join, Trump was unequivocal. \u201cNo. They\u2019re socialists. Heaven isn\u2019t a welfare state, okay? You can\u2019t just walk in. You have to work hard, make deals, and maybe donate to my PAC\u2014uh, I mean my church.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The Ten Commandments (Revised by Trump)<\/span><\/p>\n

Trump also revealed the church\u2019s Ten Commandments, which include:<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Thou shalt always put Trump first.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. Thou shalt not believe fake news (a.k.a. CNN).<\/span><\/p>\n

3. Thou shalt make the best deals, like Trump.<\/span><\/p>\n

4. Thou shalt not criticize Trump\u2019s golf swing.<\/span><\/p>\n

5. Thou shalt honor Ivanka and Melania.<\/span><\/p>\n

Trump concluded by teasing a line of religious merchandise, including MAGA rosaries, holy water bottled from Mar-a-Lago sprinklers, and an exclusive Bible with every reference to humility replaced with the word \u201cgreatness.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As for the church\u2019s long-term plans, Trump hinted at a potential heavenly wall to keep \u201cundesirable souls\u201d out. \u201cIt\u2019s going to be a beautiful wall, the best wall. And Mexico\u2019s still paying for it, believe me,\u201d he said, before departing in a golden golf cart.<\/span><\/p>\n

Reactions from Critics<\/span><\/p>\n

Critics were quick to respond, with Democrats calling it \u201cthe most absurd thing Trump\u2019s ever done,\u201d though some admitted they didn\u2019t see how this was much different from his presidency. Meanwhile, prominent evangelical leaders expressed concern, but others, like Jerry Falwell Jr., have already applied to be \u201cApostles of MAGA.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTrumpism was already a religion for many of his supporters,\u201d said political analyst Mary Kohn. \u201cThis just formalizes it\u2014plus, it\u2019s tax-free.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n